Each glance in the mirror shows us that we are getting older. We can feel it in our bones, in our energy levels, and in witnessing of our own parents aging and, in many cases, losing their vitality. This stage of life can be challenging, that’s for sure. There are many difficult conversations to have around healthcare, finances, and end-of-life planning.

It is all too easy for fear, grief, and even resentment to creep into the space between family members. But there’s another way to approach this delicate stage—one that allows this unique time in life to be shared with reverence, gratitude, and grace between adult children and their aging parents.

The tips below will help you plan a path forward with loving intention, courage, and clarity as the time to make critical decisions nears.

Embrace Blessings, Find Peace. The challenges inherent with interacting with our aging parents can be balanced with unexpected blessings if we focus on finding peace. It’s hard work to rise to this challenge, but well worth the effort. You have the opportunity to discover one another anew by taking the perspective of understanding the life choices your parents made through the lens of your own adult life. This change in stance also invites your aging parent into a different way of seeing your choices and relating with you—one that comes from a new shared perspective. If needed, seek out an eldercare mediator, professional counselor, or support group that specializes in strengthening the bond between adult children and older parents.

Who are You, Now? If your family is blessed with longstanding strong ties, open communication and support for one another, then now is a good time to deepen that bond. Maintain focus on building mutual understanding by keeping updated on each other’s lives through regular calls, texts, and letters that show the nuances of who you are and what is happening in your life. When interacting, ask deep questions that allow for open dialogue rather than short answers. Inquire about the kind of emotional support you need from each other, not just physical or logistical support. (ex: What concerns weigh on your mind or heart these days, Mom?). Also, discuss current events in the world and in daily life such as each other’s work, hobbies, and social relationships. If you sense gaps in your parents’ life that affect their wellbeing (e.g. loneliness), then raise that topic with them.

Find Value in the Little Things. For many of adult children, it’s hard to see past the shortcomings and missteps (or mistakes) we perceived our parents made with us while growing up under their roof. Again, looking at their choices or even asking them about those choices with the intention to understand and appreciate the challenges they faced at the time can go a long way to repairing frayed family ties. In doing so, you can find value in the little things and the sacrifices that impacted their choices, much of which is lost on us during our youth. Gaining appreciation for their experience at the time, helps create space for forgiveness, for healing old wounds and resolving differences. Again, a counselor or support group can be a real asset in helping aging parents and adult children move into alliance with one another.

Healthy Boundaries, Stronger Family Connections. You may be in a situation where you want a peaceful and amicable relationship with your loved ones, but old hurt, rivalries with siblings, and other family drama keeps popping up. In these circumstances, a counselor is essential to help all family members set healthy boundaries and focus on how to maintain open dialogue, steering clear of hurtful topics and drama. Sometimes we won’t be able to come to resolution, but with acceptance of what we can’t change, we can move forward well-enough to be present without resentment or regret. 

Life is fragile; we sense this the older we get. Helping our parents age with courage and dignity through open dialogue, mending strained family relations, forgiving and showing grace to ourselves and our parents can be difficult to do. Planning the path forward for our aging parents before memory loss or other illness makes them unable to participate in the process is an act of compassion for all involved. One that will help us bear the sorrow or their passing without resentment or regret. Take the time, now to strengthen your relationship with an aging parent or adult child so that when the time does come to day good-bye you are not just prepared, you both can move on in peace knowing that you gave it your best.

Support for Planning a Path Forward with Everbrook Senior Living

All of us at Everbrook Senior Living have walked the path of planning a path forward for our aging parents—many of us needed to mend fences along the way. We understand the challenge and the reward in this process. It is at the heart of the work we do for the families we serve. It is why we established the Everbrook communities for active older adults and assisted living. Our compassionate, professional staff can help facilitate honest conversations between family members faced with making decisions about care for aging parents. Our first and utmost concern is that everyone involved has a voice in the process and finds the best fit for their loved one’s needs, including social-emotional, spiritual, medical, and financial. Contact us to learn more about how we can assist with the conversation and decision making between aging parents and adult children. 

Further Reading

HopkinsMedicine.org: “Tough (But Important) Conversations [with Aging Parents]”

NPR.org: “8 Essential Conversations to Have with Your Aging Parent”

Family Caregiver Alliance Webinar: “Families with Aging Parents: Difficult Conversations Just Got Easier”, presented by Nicole Lance, JD.

AARP.org: “5 Tips for Difficult Family Caregiving Conversations”